Careless, Careless
by FairyLights101
Summary: Careless. A word Eren never thought would apply to him and yet it did, somehow, becoming intertwined with his very being until it was no longer capable of being separated. Sometimes he wondered why, how it had happened. Then he remembered. - Paired With "Selfish, Selfish"


Careless.

A word Eren never thought would apply to him and yet it did, somehow, becoming intertwined with his very being until it was no longer capable of being separated. Sometimes he wondered why, how it had happened. Then he remembered.

It was in those eyes that he found himself immersed in constantly, drowning in their immense, endless, limitless depths glittering with silvers, grays, blues. They drew him in, ensnaring him like the helpless, pathetic moth he was and Levi was the flame - brilliant, vibrant, unquenchable. A flame that he fluttered toward time after time, unwilling to leave no matter how often he was singed or suffocated. Caught from across the mess hall, during training when they shared surreptitious glances, when they lay in bed together with their arms and legs entangled beneath a layer of slightly less scratchy sheets than the ones on his bunk. They were the eyes that held no lies, that contained nothing but faith and hope for him and humanity.

He realized it when he nuzzled Levi's neck - he really liked that. Burrowing past layers of cloth worn soft from years of wear until he found skin: soft, smooth, sweet. He would kiss it, gently pressing his lips to that precious expanse of porcelain skin. Sometimes he would mouth at it too, soft at first before he curled his lips back and bit and sucked until the pale was marred, leaving bruises like a twilight sky dappled across his skin.

It was there in his hair too, the silky strands of woven midnight that he kissed before he bent down far enough to kiss his forehead. That he would twine his fingers through it, letting it thread between his fingers when Levi finally fell asleep, head nestled in his lap and his face smooth as Eren oh so slowly worked his fingers along Levi's scalp, always careful to not wake him in the end. But sometimes he would get careless and tug too hard or his hand would drift too far and then a hand would slide overtop his, catching it, halting it, threading their fingers together.

That was nice too, wrapping their fingers around each other's anytime, anywhere. Secretive clasps of their hands beneath the mess hall tables or - when they were on missings - beneath their cloaks. In the trees, high above the troops as they examined the place they had set up as camp for the night. One particular night came to mind, one on Eren's fourth expedition when they had made it far beyond the walls - at least six days of travel from Maria. They had stood near the top of the trees, at least seventy meters up. So high up that Eren felt as though he could reach up and scoop up a handful of stars. And he could think about was how if he could have, he would have taken the brightest star out there and given it to Levi. Stupid since Armin said stars were too big, too hot, unable to be touched or held. But he'd still murmured to Levi, lips skimming his knuckles, "Armin says people used to name stars. I... I don't think I could name just one after you though."

And the smiles. Oh, the smiles. Those were enough to make him throw all caution to the wind. He would watch the world burn just to see that smile. Even the tiniest quirk of his lips paired with that signature glimmer in those dancing silver eyes sent his heart pounding and aching in his chest. And when his lips curled back far enough to show teeth, to make the tiny little dimples on his cheeks show... Eren simply melted. When Levi smiled he was nothing but pliant, an easily molded lump of goo that Levi could change as he pleased. Only he didn't. He left Eren exactly as he was. He just made him stronger. Braver. Better. Into the hope than humanity needed. Still, he was careless, driven when it came to getting that smile.

He loved to touch Levi. Loved to be touched. To curl close in the comfort of each other beneath a layer of darkness and sheets, closed within their own little world that no one could tear them from. A place where they could cling to each other, trembling after watching their comrades die - after nearly watching _each other_ die too often. Where kisses could be shared and touches could pass between with ease as they comforted one another, reassured them that they were alive.

Maybe all of that was why he was careless. So fucking careless.

Until Levi, Eren hadn't been so open, so willing to let people in. Sure, the recruits he had trained with had spoken to him, become friends with him, but that had all been out of necessity. He needed to have a level of trust with them. But with Levi, he hadn't needed to go so close and stay there, unwilling and unable to peel himself away. He hadn't felt any genuine emotional attachment, not like he did with Armin and Mikasa. And that made him careless with Levi. Careless with his love.

And he supposed that was why when Levi was dozing, finally asleep after drinking a sizeable cup of tea sweetened ever so slightly with honey - something he only did around Eren or the other veterans - and reading by Eren's side until he was nodding off and wriggled beneath the covers, waking Eren in the process, he stayed up and watched Levi sleep. His eyelids would flutter as he swam through a sea of dreams. Sometimes his limbs would twitch as if he was fighting Titans. Or maybe doing something else by the way his fingers curled and his lips twitched up in warm smiles. It was then that Eren couldn't resist combing his fingers slowly through his hair, pushing it away from his face so he could see the entirety of Levi's face. His beautiful, delicate face always filled with strength but in sleep smoothed out, gentle.

He said it the most then, the words that he had practical branded onto his heart what felt like eons ago, though in reality it had just been a few short years before. They always felt too simple, the words he murmured in the dark. But they were gentle. Sweet. Dredged up from the depths of his heart. "I love you. I cherish you. You're my world. You mean everything to me. The sun to my moon. The bee to my flower. The everything to my nothing. _My_ Levi."

But maybe, just maybe, if he hadn't begged Levi to get close to him, to accept his feelings even if he didn't reciprocate them, it wouldn't have been quite like this. Things would have been different. Maybe not better, but certainly different. Easier. Maybe then there wouldn't be tears dripping onto his cheeks or trembling hands cradling his body.

 _I shouldn't have been so careless._

Careless in how he had thrown himself at Levi, a relentless whirlwind hammering against a cliff face, weathering it down until he gave in. Or until the cliff face had split itself in two and sucked him, their forces colliding and merging and melding together. Forces of destruction that tamed and tempered each other. Inseparable. Matched. Perfect.

Too perfect.

It hurt. God, it fucking hurt. His fingers fluttered across his chest, searching, seeking, but they never made it. Warm fingers caught his hand and intertwined their digits, warm and cold. Levi's hands were never warmer than his. Never. But now they were. They were so much warmer than his and he was freezing, cold to the core. Except for his chest. His chest was hot, pulsing with agony.

Maybe... maybe...

Levi pressed their foreheads together, mumbling things he couldn't quite hear. Disjointed words, nonsensical sounds, things he couldn't decipher. "Eren.. I... you... C'mon... open..." His mouth was moving but only a few words managed to slip past, reaching across some kind of gap to find Eren.

He smiled a little. Dazed. Uncertain. He couldn't remember why Levi was crying. Why it hurt. Why his body felt like it was burning even as it froze. Why he- oh. A crowd. Murmurs. Voices. People he didn't recognize. Hanji waving their arms, ordering them to keep away, to give them space. Turning to Levi and repeating again and again that help was on the way.

And he remembered the carelessness. Always so careless. He relied a lot on Levi. He always forgot to clean the little cracks and crevices of his gear but he would wake up the next morning and find it cleaner than he had left it - Levi's precision and love going into keeping his gear clean. Safe. Sometimes he wouldn't dust the top shelves because he forgot, only to have Levi remind him, somehow without even checking. After so long, it was no wonder he knew just how careless Eren could be.

Careless in how he'd watched Levi stride up to the window of the shop, hand raised to knock and he hadn't remembered to look around. Not after so long. Almost all resentment towards Shifters had died away - to him and Ymir at least. He hadn't expected a man to grab his shoulder and spin him around, right into the barrel of a gun that was rammed hard into his gut. He didn't move, couldn't. Knew that the second he even tried the trigger would be pulled. Outrage. Fear. Understanding. His hands had risen, a concession to his carelessness, to his stupidity.

" _Just me."_

Careless. Stupid. Hadn't he always been that way. But he knew he was the only one who needed to die. Who should die. Even if all the Titans weren't gone. Even if there was still so much to do. So much to see, to hear, to experience.

Even if he never saw the ocean. At least he had been with Levi, even if it had just been for a while. A mere fraction of his lifetime with the potential for more. So, so very much more.

Tremblings fingers swept across his cheek and he shuddered, chest hitching. It hurt to breathe. It shouldn't hurt so much, shouldn't be getting so dark. It was still midday. Summer even. But he was freezing, trembling. Bleeding out on the paving stones. How long had it been since it had started? How long until they got there? How long, how long, how long? _Why can't I heal?_

"Shh… shh, Eren, it's alright. It's alright… They're on their way. Someone's gonna be here soon. You'll be alright. You'll be alright. You'll…"

A trembling hand rose, fumbling, uncertain. Fuck, it hurt so much. Burning, searing, shredding him. His breath rattled through him, hitching in his throat and catching, bubbling. Something warm dribbled out of his mouth, onto his cheek. Everything reeked, acrid with the stench of gunpowder and blood. _No…_ Levi, he wanted to breathe in levi. That scent, so sweet and familiar. The one he inhaled night after night when he needed it the most. When they clung to each other, a simple but powerful reminder that yes, they were alive and yes, they were in each other's arms, that they always would be.

He couldn't see Levi's eyes either. Couldn't see those depths that he always imagined were like the ocean. Cool, calm, full of mysteries. Ever-changing but at their core, always the same. Always Levi's eyes. Always the ocean. Always.

Oh, how careless he'd been. Careless. Reckless. Foolish. All for Levi. All for those starry eyes and those gut-wrenching smiles. For the soft touches and the gentle kisses. For the one person who could make him feel totally complete, like a hole in the very fabric of his existence had suddenly been repaired. Starting with the first glimpse of those eyes. The first soft ring of his voice. The first touch, so sweet and gentle. _One more… One more. I need one more._

Once more a glimpse of those oceans. One more touch. Just. One. More.

"Levi…"

His hand never made it to Levi's cheek.


End file.
